The Trial is part 2 of a series of 3 blogs on the life and passing of my son Jordan Lewis
“In this you rejoice, though now for a little while, if necessary, you have been grieved by various trials, so that the tested genuineness of your faith-more precious than gold that perishes though it is tested by fire-may be found to result in praise and glory and honor at the revelation of Jesus Christ.” – St. Peter
The three year trial of watching my son battle cancer came to an end on March 20, 2014. But then a new trial began…the trial of grieving and living in deep soul pain, a pain that’s been constant and disruptive.
When something like this happens it’s difficult to concentrate or focus, no way to numb it or make it leave. It’s a dull pain that surfaces in tears, groanings, or even therapeutic crying out. As C.S. Lewis reflected on the death of his wife, “I not only live each day in grief, but live each day thinking about living each day in grief.”
Even though I’m moving forward from that phase, I was there and know so many who for a variety of reasons, still are. There’s no quick way out.
The trial is definitely like a “Groundhog Day” where every day starts and feels the same. The only way to get through it is to go through it. Embracing the trial and letting it shape you, gives you the hope that you can become a better person and more useful to the next person who’ll need someone real. There’s nothing like the presence of one who understands.
Embracing the trial allows me to feel the unfairness and brutality of life. Unlike those who believe in “karma,” as Christ followers we believe pain can indeed be unjust, and the very thing that Christ the Innocent One, embraced by bearing the sins of the world.
Swiss psychotherapist Carl Jung says, “There is no coming to life without pain.” How true that is… and now that a large part of this trial is behind us, we are giving ourselves permission to embrace new life again.
Coming through this helps me embrace the good … longing for heaven often and regularly; healing up from the raw experience of watching a loved one suffer; experiencing daily laughter from the simplest of things, and celebrating a grandson, Alexander Jordan “Anders”, born to Nathan and Ailsa exactly 9 months to the hour of Jordan’s passing from this life to the next. Yes, signs of life are abounding, yet how does one proceed?
Everyone manages trials best they know how. For me it’s been by pondering, praying, processing and proceeding in life. And to proceed is what we must do, as we go through the trial. As Lewis puts it you gradually feel, “the door is no longer shut and bolted.”
It’s time to breathe new air and connect with God our Father as we’ve never done before. Frankly, God did not answer my prayers the way I had hoped, but neither did He fail me in any way. Grace was extended…love embraced; too much to explain, but true.
On Christmas Day many reached out to me and lovingly said things like, “I know it’s hard on you today.” Truth is that not just Christmas was especially hard. But increasingly now, although the pain is still there, we live in the reality that the trial is over. My son is with the Lord.
My Father is helping me see the treasure more than the trial…
- The many treasures of raising and loving a beautiful son who lived a glorious life.
- The treasure of family who fought hard together and remain loving and gentle with each other.
- The treasure of a daughter in law who’s become like a daughter.
- The treasure of picking up Jordan’s mantle to reach unreached peoples and people groups; the treasure of helping fund projects in the “Stan” nations which are watching thousands of Muslims turn to their Savior, Isa (Jesus).
I love and miss my boy, my son, my friend. I still weep every time I hear the Matt Redman song “10,000 Reasons,” remembering the many times we worshipped together, knowing he now worships by sight, no longer by faith. The trial is subsiding, the treasure is coming. All is good…. not perfect, but good.
Nathan and Christian always looked after Jordan. Johnluke, born after this, did as well.
Dear Ron, Thanks for you honesty and realness. Your journey brings comfort to me…. I have cried as I have read of your trial (during the 3 years). Always hoping, always praying, always trusting but finally accepting and embracing the journey of grief. I can only imagine your pain. Your journey of grief makes sense to my soul. Thank you for sharing. Much love, |Wendy Stead (Cape Town)\
Watching you walk through this and walking alongside has been a lesson for all of us. You have shown us grace and strength, despite pain and hurting, and continue to be a godly role model for so many. Thank you for sharing your life in this way. Praying for God’s continued comfort at the year 1 mark and beyond.
Peace be with you.
So bittersweet. Thank you for your transparency and vulnerability in writing this post.
Ron, this is very hard to read but very encouraging at the same time. Thank you for sharing this and helping many people.
I’m in tears reading this. Totally. Your lives and love are such an inspiration … we receive the breath of hope reading each line. We receive the treasure of hope, faith and love that only Father can give. Thank you for sharing. We are standing with you and Lynette, and Cady in these precious moments of honoring Father for Jordan’s life, love, and legacy! David & Theresa, and family
What is the name of part 1 or a link? Thanks!
Dear Valerie,
Here is the link to the part one. Enjoy and have a blessed day!
https://ronlewisministries.org/a-tribute-to-jordan-on-his-birthday-july-20th-2014/
Sincerely,
Pastor Ron’s Admin Team
Thanks so much for sharing, Pastor Ron. I cannot begin to imagine your pain and grief though I have my own of a different nature. Please believe me when I tell you how very much this has helped me. Even though I’m no longer living in the Triangle I think of you all often and miss you and the church family. Thank you again – God bless you.
Michelle (Kimble) Dickerson
Thank you for sharing your heart. We stand with you and your family. Love you.
this is so beautiful P. Ron!
to see the love of Jesus beyond all the pain is, in a way having a glimpse of how God felt when His only Son suffered and died for us all
Pastor Ron, Thanks for sharing your deepest thoughts and feelings, that others may be comforted. You have articulated your feelings well, when truly there are no words to adequately describe the pain and grief that you went through the last several years. May the Lord continue to bless you through the hills and valleys of life on earth. Love to you and your family.
My brother once described for me how the pain of losing our mother felt to him (We lost our mom to cancer three years ago on March 21st) He said “It’s like waves, sometimes the tide is high, sometimes the tide is low” Needless to say, it was the best description. When I think about it now,I no longer associate it with my emotions or rather with a beautiful beach and a sunset, one that brings Joy and a heart warming smile. At times I cannot hold back the tears that slide down my cheek against my will, but I also don’t hold them back because after all it is a process. I pray that God will continue to hold you and your family near Pastor Ron. Jordan is basking in the most beautiful of sunlight rays and always remember that
I was touched by this blog…I am Lindsay McGee’s Grandmother and my Great Grandson was named for your son Jordan. .I never met him but have heard glowing things from from Lindsay, I feel that I knew him. Thank you. Olivene Robbins
Thank you for sharing Pastor Ron….how wonderful to know your son is with Jesus…..